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행복한 부부의 일곱 가지 원칙
헤어지는 부부는 3분간의 대화 속에서 얼마든지 예측할 수 있다. 네 가지 위험한 언어를 계속해서 사용한다면 이혼에 이르는 과정을 겪게 되는 경우가 대부분이라는 것이 상담전문가들의 지적이다. 이혼으로 갈 수 있는 길에서 행복한 부부 생활로 갈 수 있는 길을 고트맨 박사는 일곱 가지 원칙으로 제시한다.
첫 번째는 ‘애정지도’를 상세하게 그리는 것이다.
두 번째는 상대방을 배려하고 존중하는 마음 기르기,
세 번째는 상대방에게서 달아나지 말고 진심으로 대하기,
네 번째는 상대방의 의견을 존중하기,
다섯 번째는 해결 가능한 문제는 두 사람이 해결하기,
여섯 번째는 둘이서 막다른 골목에 부닥친 상황을 극복하기,
일곱 번째는 함께 공유할 인생의 의미를 발견하기다.
이 일곱 가지 원칙을 상세하게 소개하는 것보다는 고트맨 박사의 <행복한 부부 이혼하는 부부>(문학사상사)라는 책을 참조하고 그것을 실행에 옮기는 것이 더 나을 것이다. 그러나 분명한 사실은 부부갈등은 자신에게 있지 상대방에게 있지 않다는 점이다. 고병인 교수는 “모든 사람은 그 사람이 자라온 가족의 배경이 있고 그 가족사 속에서 자신의 자존감이 형성된다”며 “낮은 자존감은 비록 육체는 성인이지만 정신은 성인아이가 많기 때문에 이 문제가 해결될 때만이 행복한 부부생활을 영위할 수 있다”고 말한다.
말의 습관을 바꾸기란 쉽지 않다. 그렇지만 연습과 노력, 관찰과 행복을 추구하기 위한 관심이 있다면 가정의 분위기를 얼마든지 바꿀 수 있다. 그레이스 케터만이 <말 때문에 받은 상처를 치유하라>라는 책에서 지시하는 열두 단계 치유책을 주목할 필요가 있다. 이 치유책은 회복상담에서 널리 알려진 방법이다. 이 치료방법은 ‘알코올 중독자 치료협회’의 12단계 재활 프로그램이지만 우리의 잘못된 언어 습관을 고치는 데 활용될 수 있다.
전문가들이 공통으로 지적하는 것은 자기 자신을 충분히 이해하고 사랑하고 자신에게 감사하는 방법을 배우면 부부간의 갈등의 골이 메워질 수 있다고 한다. 자기를 충분히 사랑한다는 것은 쉬운 말인 것 같지만 그렇지 않다. 사랑을 하기 위해서는 연습이 필요하다. 대화 이해하기, 비난을 멈추고 들어주기 등의 계속되는 연습이 없이 행복하기를 바란다면 세상 끝 날까지도 행복은 얻지 못할 것이다.
헤어지는 부부는 3분간의 대화 속에서 얼마든지 예측할 수 있다. 네 가지 위험한 언어를 계속해서 사용한다면 이혼에 이르는 과정을 겪게 되는 경우가 대부분이라는 것이 상담전문가들의 지적이다. 이혼으로 갈 수 있는 길에서 행복한 부부 생활로 갈 수 있는 길을 고트맨 박사는 일곱 가지 원칙으로 제시한다.
첫 번째는 ‘애정지도’를 상세하게 그리는 것이다.
두 번째는 상대방을 배려하고 존중하는 마음 기르기,
세 번째는 상대방에게서 달아나지 말고 진심으로 대하기,
네 번째는 상대방의 의견을 존중하기,
다섯 번째는 해결 가능한 문제는 두 사람이 해결하기,
여섯 번째는 둘이서 막다른 골목에 부닥친 상황을 극복하기,
일곱 번째는 함께 공유할 인생의 의미를 발견하기다.
이 일곱 가지 원칙을 상세하게 소개하는 것보다는 고트맨 박사의 <행복한 부부 이혼하는 부부>(문학사상사)라는 책을 참조하고 그것을 실행에 옮기는 것이 더 나을 것이다. 그러나 분명한 사실은 부부갈등은 자신에게 있지 상대방에게 있지 않다는 점이다. 고병인 교수는 “모든 사람은 그 사람이 자라온 가족의 배경이 있고 그 가족사 속에서 자신의 자존감이 형성된다”며 “낮은 자존감은 비록 육체는 성인이지만 정신은 성인아이가 많기 때문에 이 문제가 해결될 때만이 행복한 부부생활을 영위할 수 있다”고 말한다.
말의 습관을 바꾸기란 쉽지 않다. 그렇지만 연습과 노력, 관찰과 행복을 추구하기 위한 관심이 있다면 가정의 분위기를 얼마든지 바꿀 수 있다. 그레이스 케터만이 <말 때문에 받은 상처를 치유하라>라는 책에서 지시하는 열두 단계 치유책을 주목할 필요가 있다. 이 치유책은 회복상담에서 널리 알려진 방법이다. 이 치료방법은 ‘알코올 중독자 치료협회’의 12단계 재활 프로그램이지만 우리의 잘못된 언어 습관을 고치는 데 활용될 수 있다.
전문가들이 공통으로 지적하는 것은 자기 자신을 충분히 이해하고 사랑하고 자신에게 감사하는 방법을 배우면 부부간의 갈등의 골이 메워질 수 있다고 한다. 자기를 충분히 사랑한다는 것은 쉬운 말인 것 같지만 그렇지 않다. 사랑을 하기 위해서는 연습이 필요하다. 대화 이해하기, 비난을 멈추고 들어주기 등의 계속되는 연습이 없이 행복하기를 바란다면 세상 끝 날까지도 행복은 얻지 못할 것이다.
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